I live white knuckled without even realizing it.
Fists clenched tight over the thing that wields power over me
from within my sweaty palm.
Concealed but not controlled.
I’m the one who’s being controlled.
By my own expectations.
I don’t mean to cling so tight to the lofty goals and unreasonable standards
that lay me to shame each time I can’t measure up.
I say I’m doing better. I say I’m living real.
I’ll let you come over knowing dirty drips from boys’ backyard digging fingertips are
marring up the white bathroom sinks.
I’ll invite you in even if the dishes are piled on the counter and crusted remains
from last night’s dinner are soaking in pans on the stove.
I’ll say “this is real life” when my kid throws a fit and you hear him fuss or see him hit.
I’ll sigh and say thanks for understanding that life is a beautiful mess
and we’ve just got to embrace it.
But inside…
Inside my fist is the unbreakable thing that’s making my insides break under the weight.
The weight of expectations.
The weight of I don’t measure up as a mom or a wife or friend.
I’m failing as a leader. I’m flailing as a writer.
I’m smiling on the outside, smiling all is grace on the outside,
but on the inside I’m drowning, derailing.
I’m wailing on the inside because I will never measure up to these unmeasurable expectations.
I can’t do enough. Be enough. Make others see me enough.
My boys, my man, my ministry, my calling,
Jesus, Father, Holy Spirit all deserve my best, but I’m falling.
Falling short.
Of the expectations. (Of perfection.)
Of whose expectations?
I breathe deep and will myself to loosen my grip.
My fingers trained long years to stay stiff, closed,
slowly loosen.
Relax, release.
Whose expectations am I faced with?
My own.
Just mine.
Yes, it’s time to release them.
Release myself.
Into His Grip.
* * *
“It’s Friday. The day we write together for five shared and sacred minutes. The prompt this week is RELEASE.”
-Lisa-Jo Baker
This post is part of the
Five Minute Friday
community. Please read Lisa-Jo’s incredible words this morning about
why your story matters. Then won’t you consider joining us by writing for five minutes about what “release” means to you? Or share with me in the comments sections.